It's like I often been the one who makes mistakes alot. Idk, im confused with who i am right now. I missed him, so much. I missed our times. Really, i can't help it anymore. My girls are always telling me to be strong. To forget him, to find someone better. Im not blaming them because i know, they wanted the best for me, too. After we broke up, I just can't love anyone anymore. Deeply, like I used to, towards him. Every minute, every second I told myself to be strong. "You are fine without him" but literally, im not. 1 year, he had been a part of my life. He had been the other half of me. And it's hard to let him go. I thought I didn't have choices, but yet, I chose the wrong option.
I remembered the first time we met, I was so fuckin' shy that time. You 'chased' me and I was like "No, no, im not gonna meet him" because im so afraid that you'll hate me after that. But, things didn't went out like I thought, we turned out well. You said "Kalau macam ni, tiap-tiap hari lah nak jumpa" Haha. You never know, how sweet were you that time.
22nd February, the day I was shifted into boarding school. You were sad, WE were sad. We texted all the way, sending long messages, advice each other to be strong when we're not near anymore. You cried, I cried. But, we manage to go through it, right?
We called every night, and I used to go to Fatin's and Syira's room EVERY night to talk to you. Remembered what I said? "Hampir 3/4 for 1 hari I dengan kawan-kawan I, tak salah if I amik sikit masa malam-malam call you kan?" You used to repeat that sentence to me if I got you offended.
Our 2010, went scrumptiously well, until December. That month until our break up, I always show you the dark side of me. Easily get offended, yelling, fugly having a totally bad PMS times, talked negative things about us in the future. Yeah, I know, you suffered a lot persuading me at that time. But, I know, I love you cause you managed to stand by me in whatever condition im in. You never gave up, or saying you'll give up. I was wrongly managed to understand your hard situation. All I ever think, was only ME. I know, imma jerk.
January, getting back to school. WE cried, together that night on the phone. "Whatever reason I takkan tinggalkan you. You pun kena promise you takkan tinggalkan I", you said to me. And you cheered me up talking about our future. Our kids, you make jokes:
You: "Nanti kita kahwin, you nak ada anak tak?"
I: *blushing. "Of course la nak, hakhak" xD
You: "Nak berapa?"
I: "Err, 3, 4 cukup la. You?"
You: "Alaahh, kenapa tak 11 terus? Boleh buat team :DDD"
I" Ehh, banyak cantik. Ingat I kilang apa?"
Haha. yes, it was our time. Laughing together on the phone, joking around. Until mom knocked on the door several times saying "Eh, cakap dengan boyfriend ka? hahahaha" -.-" You pulak reply, "Eh, mak mertua I ka? Kirim salam tau ;D" I was happy that time. Really, I thought we'll be forever. You and me.
February, March, our relationship were getting harder and worst. We fought every night, I yelled at you, you yelled at me, accusing me that I had an another boy. We were in doubts towards each other at that time. I never thought it was doubts because it was obvious you were totally nice to girls. Its wrong for me to talk to boys, but you? Its the same, I couldn't take it as a promise. You changed, I changed. We can't understand each other anymore. Yes, you were the first boy I cried this badly. Thanks for that.
30th March, you were so different that time. I felt like im talking to a bad stranger. But, it was your voice, I couldn't understand what situation I was in that time. Im afraid of you, I wanted you to change to a better way, so that we're gonna be fine, but you wouldn't understand. You didn't want to change and you said "Once changed, for eternity it will" So that's the moment I finally understood you. The new you, so I took the risk of letting go of you. I cried so hard that night. Losing the 2nd precious man in my life, after dad. Do you know, it's too hard for me to say to myself "Its alright, he's gone, you're much stronger now" It's hard for me, alone.
After we broke up, you're still fighting for me. To show you still love me, but I couldn't find it is worth. Suddenly I realized, I love you, but im not turning back, it's because.. I love you. Im gonna let you be free this time, learn how to live without me, be much stronger without me. "I tak suka tengok lelaki lemah" I often said it to you when you were crying, right? So, remember that always. You know me, fight for me until the very end. Eventhough I know, you wouldn't :')
"I nak, nanti bila you dah ready nak ambil I untuk seumur hidup I, you akan datang cari I walau sejauh mana pun. Dalam hati you tetap I, walaupun I dah banyak kali sakitkan hati you. I nak macamtu sebab I tau, yang you tau, I memang takkan percaya orang lain selain you seteruk ni" :')
Syafiqaa.
